


When Pain has Forced a Footing There

by Riley_Sivertsen



Series: random tma fics in the same canon-ish universe [5]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Also not mentioned but important, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arguing, Asexual Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Canon Compliant, Comparing Trauma, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - CPTSD, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, He/Him Pronouns for Gerry Keay, He/Him and They/Them Pronouns for Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Healing, M/M, Multi, Nonbinary Gerard Keay, None of these are mentioned but it's important you know!, Other, Post-Apocalypse, Post-Season/Series 05, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trans Martin Blackwood, Trauma Recovery, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, but also kinda, canon non-compliant, difficult conversations, discussion of trauma, supportive boyfriends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:29:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29653428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riley_Sivertsen/pseuds/Riley_Sivertsen
Summary: Martin has been keeping things to himself, but now his boyfriends want to have an open conversation about it.Discussions of the validity of trauma and the damage caused when you compare your own trauma to others and feel like the world agrees with you.Fic loosly inspired by lylahammer’s stunning comic, “In Confidence”. https://lylahammar.tumblr.com/post/639581494297378816/in-confidence-sort-of-a-follow-up-to-this-comic-i
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Gerard Keay/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Series: random tma fics in the same canon-ish universe [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2037412
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	When Pain has Forced a Footing There

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lylahammar](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=lylahammar).



> Part of my mostly-canon-compliant series, set post season 5 (Gerry comes back from the dead somehow and then they all get together, because I said so). 
> 
> Title from The Song of Honour by Ralph Hodgson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin comes home from work to a conversation he was hoping to avoid.

Martin knew he was in trouble the moment he walked in the door.

Jon and Gerry sat in muttered conversation on the couch. It stilled the instant Martin crossed the threshold, and they both looked at him with such blatant concern that he knew exactly what was coming. The ache that had dulled in his chest over the past few hours roared back to life.

“Melanie called, didn’t she?”

Gerry uncurled from his seat and came to help Martin out of his coat. “She did.”

“Told her not to.”

“She said. She also said she doesn’t give a toss if you get pissed at her for looking out for you, so there’s that.”

Martin sighed as he stepped out of his shoes. “Yeah, checks out.” He allowed Gerry to lead him back to the couch, where he was firmly but lovingly placed in between his boyfriends. Jon’s hand instantly found his.

“Martin, love, what happened?” Their voice was gentle. “She said you snapped at a customer. That doesn’t sound like you.”

“Also said you vanished for nearly an hour afterwards and returned looking like you’d been crying.” Gerry’s tone was much less careful than Jon’s, but Martin knew that his frustration had everything to do with not knowing how to help, and nothing to do with Martin himself. His therapist would be proud of him for recognizing the difference, he thought idly.

Martin extracted his hand from Jon’s loving hold and moved a throw-pillow to rest on his lap. The pillow was velvet with decorative little tassels around the edges; soothing and soft to fiddle with. It also made it easier to disguise the way his hands were shaking.

“Can you tell us about it?” Jon asked.

“It wasn’t a big deal,” Martin tried to assure them. “Some stuff built up, some customers got to me and I reacted poorly. That’s all.”

“Listen, we’re not gonna force you to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Gerry said, “but from your reaction, it sounds like it _is_ a big deal. We’re worried. We just want to help, if we can.”

_Great, now you’ve got them worried._ Familiar guilt coiled tight and cold in Martin’s stomach. He took a deep breath and pushed the words out.

“I know. It’s just…Listen, it’s stupid, alright? There’s been some topics of conversation going around at work that’s made me think about a lot of stuff I’d rather not, but that’s not a big deal since I can talk about it in therapy on Monday. But these two customers today said some stuff that got to me, and then they started talking like I wasn’t there, like they hadn’t _asked_ for my help, and it all got a bit much and I kind of…snapped.” He took another deep breath and released it. “It was really unprofessional and embarrassing, but _not_ a big deal, which is why I _told_ Melanie it wasn’t worth bothering you with. Not that she left me any choice in the matter.”

The quiet settled heavily between them. Martin felt bad for talking so harshly to the people he loved most, but he was just so _tired_. He’d reached his limit for maintaining the façade. It would have been fine if Melanie hadn’t told; he could have just come home and had a normal, quiet evening like he wanted. That would have helped enough, he was sure. He wasn’t ready for a confrontation.

Jon finally broke the silence. “Martin, we do need to talk about the situation at work because it _is_ important and I want us to discuss it.” He tentatively reached for Martin’s hand again, but settled for touching his knee instead. Martin kept twisting the tassels around his fingers. “First, though, I’d like to about what you said just now. About it not being worth bringing up to Gerry and me.”

Martin couldn’t meet either pair of eyes he felt on him. For a terrifying second, he wished he could pull on the Lonely and just make himself vanish.

He shook that urge quickly and schooled his face into an old, painfully familiar expression. The neutral look designed to hide that he was only a few wrong words away from shattering.

“You know what I mean,” he said, twisting a piece of string tightly around his finger to keep his voice from shaking. “You both have enough on your plate. _Real_ problems. You shouldn’t be made to listen to my work-induced angst, or whatever.”

“Martin…” Jon’s voice was sadder than it had any right to be. “Anything that’s upsetting you is real and important. Of _course_ you can talk to us about it.”

Martin actually barked a laugh at that, once, with no amusement. The sound was so harsh and rare coming from him that the bitterness made Jon flinch, though they didn’t move their hand from Martin’s knee. Seeing them jerk slightly was still enough to pour gasoline on Martin’s burning guilt. He tried to make his voice softer.

“Be serious, Jon,” Martin said. “I’ll never want to burden either of you with this kind of trivial stuff. Especially not you.”

Jon and Gerry exchanged a look. “What do you mean, especially not Jon?” Gerry asked. There was a weariness to his tone, like he knew where this was going but wished he didn't.

“Oh, come on, don’t make me say it.” Martin looked down at his hand playing with the purple thread. “I know it’s stupid, alright? I know comparing trauma or whatever isn’t helpful or healthy – my therapist won’t stop reminding me. But lots of things are unhealthy, and knowing that doesn’t change anything. Besides, it’s not like this is _real_ trauma stuff, anyway. It’s just dumb, self-inflicted insecurity shit. It’s not Apocalypse stuff or…you know And even if it was...Just, forget about it, alright?”

Martin bit down on the inside of his cheeks, embarrassed that the circumstances forced him to admit how weak he was. He kept his eyes trained firmly on the pillow in his lap. He didn’t want to know how his partners were looking at him.

No one said anything in so long that Martin would have convinced himself they left if he couldn’t feel them warm against his sides. He couldn’t risk looking up, couldn’t let them see that his fears of being left behind and unwanted, they weren’t just about what happened at _work_.

Martin wondered if Jon and Gerry were currently having another of those silent conversations they often had, where they would look at each other and just _understand_. Martin’s stomach twinged painfully at his ridiculous jealousy.

He didn’t _want_ to be jealous, okay?

He didn’t _want_ to feel left out of every little thing that had absolutely nothing to do with him, but he couldn’t turn it off. Being the one on the outside had always been his default in any group setting. People didn’t mean to exclude him and he didn’t mean to exclude himself, it just sort of…happened that way. Martin just wasn’t the type of person that people prioritized keeping around. He wasn’t worth the extra effort.

He wasn’t naïve; he _knew_ the thousand reasons why his jealousy was stupid and unfounded and petty, especially at home. Sure, Gerry and Jon had certain things they just _understood_ with each other, but Martin shared significant things with each of them, too.

They were all people and they shared different things, and nothing that two of them shared between them lessened what they all had _together_.

Rationally, intellectually, Martin _knew_ that. The knowledge did absolutely nothing to make his feelings go away. Just like how he couldn't stop comparing his pain to theirs.

He _knew_ it didn’t work like that, okay? But how was he supposed to believe that his everyday flashbacks to the apocalypse were anything compared to Jon’s? That his childhood traumas were even worth mentioning next to Gerry’s? That his nightmares deserved any kind of sympathy from people who had seen so much worse than he could even imagine?

“Martin!” Jon gasped. They covered their mouth with a hand as soon as the word was out, like they could put their reaction back in.

Martin didn’t have to ask what they’d reacted to.

Jon had Seen. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to. It was just so loud and I was worried and the knowledge sort of _fell_ into me!”

Martin bit the inside of his cheek and took a steadying breath. “It’s alright; I know you didn’t do it on purpose. I trust you.”

It was important Jon knew that, and Martin always made sure to tell him, but the normally soothing words made Jon’s brows furrow in frustration. “Don’t try to comfort _me_ right now, Martin, _please_. This isn’t about me.”

“Well, I’d rather it was!” Martin exclaimed. “Then you wouldn’t have to feel bad because of me! There’s no reason to be focused on _me_ just because I had a bad day at work!”

“But it wasn’t just a bad day, was it?” Gerry asked. “We’re not blind, Martin. I know the attention makes you uncomfortable, but tough. Alright? Maybe we’re not as observant as you but we _can_ tell it when something’s wrong. I’m just sorry we didn’t start this conversation sooner.”

Martin almost smiled. “I would have derailed it if you tried.”

“I’m sure you’ve already done that plenty without either of us noticing.” Gerry bumped his shoulder affectionately against Martin. “Got us wrapped around your little finger, you have.”

“Well, we’re having this conversation now,” Jon said firmly. “No derailing. We clearly need to get some things out there. I can’t know you’re thinking these things about yourself and not do something about it.”

“What things?” Gerry asked. “What did you See?”

Martin felt Jon looking at him, awaiting permission or refusal. There was no way out of this now, despite the pit in his stomach that told him talking about this would only make Jon and Gerry realize how much trouble he was and leave. Still, Martin nodded. He pulled the pillow tightly against him, wrapping both arms around it like a life raft keeping him afloat.

“He…” Jon glanced wearily at Martin. “He doesn’t think his trauma deserves the same attention as ours.”

Martin felt Gerry’s whole body tense beside him. He wanted to reach out and comfort him, but couldn’t bring himself to move. Couldn’t even say he was sorry. He was too embarrassed. How could he have let it get to this? They never should have gotten to this conversation.

“Listen, it’s not—I don’t want either of you to think I’m bitter towards you for having experienced more _pain_ than me.” The words escaped Martin in a rush. Dammit, his voice was shaking. “It’s not like that, I don’t–”

“Hey, we know.” Gerry said instantly, voice softer now, warmer. “That’s not why…” He cleared his throat. “You understand that’s not what bothers us about this, right?”

Martin swallowed, wrapped a loose thread from the pillow round and round his finger until it was too tight, then unspooled it again. “…Maybe?”

Jon sighed sadly. “Martin, everything you’ve gone through, everything you’re dealing with…None of it can be dismissed, no matter how different it is from someone else’s trauma.” He placed his hand on top of the pillow, but still didn’t take Martin’s hand. “ _Different_. Not worse. Pain can’t be measured like that.”

“Jon, you have not only your own multi-layered trauma to deal with, but also that of _everyone_ whose pain you had to feel first hand during the apocalypse!” Martin hated the panic in his voice but they had to _understand_. “That’s horrible and terrifying and why would I waste time on my stuff when I could be helping you with _your_ problems? _You’re_ the one who deserves empathy and support, not me!”

“Martin, please–”

“No! I’m sorry, I don’t want to make you feel _guilty_ about having more to deal with than me. That’s why I didn’t want to have this conversation! Because I can’t turn off this feeling but I can do my best to make sure you know that I don’t hold it against you.”

“Except we already _know_ that, Martin!” Jon snapped, impatience slipping into their concern. “Because we know you and we love you and you’re the best damn person in the known universe. What I feel _bad_ about is that you don’t value yourself or your own problems enough to think we care about them the way you care about ours!”

“Jon,” Gerry said. “Please, just…” He ran a hand through his long hair. His blonde roots were showing, Martin noted out of the corner of his eye. They’d have to dye it again soon. “Look, I’m not exactly the best at this sort of thing and, I mean, I was _dead_ for most of the actual apocalypse. But how about we all take some time to cool off and then we can try talking about this again?”

Martin finally looked up, ready to argue, but Gerry put a finger gently against his lips, effectively shushing him. “No, Martin, we _will_ talk about this more. But maybe first you go take a shower, change into something more comfortable?”

Gerry moved his finger until his hand cupped Martin’s cheek, and despite everything, Martin still leaned into the touch like it was a rope and he was drowning. Enjoying the anchoring feeling of Gerry’s skin, Martin nodded.

“Fine. I’ll do that.”

Gerry gave him a small, warm smile filled with encouragement and affection, and it made something twist inside of Martin because _what had he done to deserve that look_?

But instead of lingering on that thought, Martin released his hold on the pillow and placed it into Jon’s waiting hands. Their eyes met for a moment and Martin’s heart broke knowing he was responsible for that grieved look on Jon’s face.

He indulged himself and let his fingers linger on Jon’s for just a moment, and then he left to follow Gerry’s instructions.

A shower _did_ sound good. Maybe he could make it last long enough for his boyfriends to forget about this whole thing.

Though he very much doubted it.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments joy to my heart and do wonders for my mental wellbeing, if you want to leave them ♥️
> 
> You can come shriek at me about multiple fandoms on tumblr @mx-riley and I hope you're being kind and taking care of yourself in these hard times. Did you take your meds today? 😘


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